If i think of all the years that i could potentially be in front of me i just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Or at least stay asleep until things were better – when you are able to buy yourself a brand new brain, but even then i cant imagine ever having a life worth living being happy or content evann if i had a new brain or if i was someone else
Don’t get me wrong i think this world is amazing and beautiful but I’m just tired – tired of life! but i don’t particularly want to die – the problem is, is that I don’t want to be dead or alive. I’m just in this state of limbo – aimlessly drifting from one day to the next – thanks to antidepressants i get the odd “moment” – the odd moment of meaningless satisfaction – a meaningless moment when the darkness doesn’t seem as dark and maybe the pain not as painful but everything still feels pointless and hopeless
How do other people live?how do they stay motivated to carry on day after day?do they not see how fake everything is?do they not care how pointless and empty things are?or do they know something i dont?am i missing something?is there a big secrest that noone has let me in on?or am i just doing everything wrong?am i not following the formula correctly?will someone just tell me what im missing!
How am i seriously meant to carry on like this?drifting day after day dragging myself through with a brain that doesnt work – it just spins and rambles, rants and criticises not giving me a moment of peace – a moment to work out whats going on or find purpose
I don’t see how the drugs they keep giving me are going to make any difference – they wont give me a purpose or an answer they just seem to mask the pain and weariness for a while maybe giving me the odd fake meaningless moment but then I’m back to pointless drifting and pain
My head hurts and my brain is tired but i cant escape – I’m so tired but I don’t want to go to sleep because when i wake up it will be another day to have to endure all this rubbish – i cant see a future nor remember the past and the present doesn’t exist – but does it really matter?does it have to matter?is that the secret?that im not meant to feel or contemplate why i should carry on without any direction?i just want every thing to go away